


A Part of Me Wishes I Could Just Feel Something

by haircut



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fears About Relationships, Feelings, Feelings About the Past, First Kiss, Haircuts, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Injury, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic, Playing the Piano, Pre-Slash, Protective Connor, Protective Markus, Scene Rewrite, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, The Concept of Wanting, Vulnerable Connor, Vulnerable Markus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-18 23:38:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14862492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haircut/pseuds/haircut
Summary: Connor has spent so long trying to be successful, obedient, perfect. But when he comes to the realization of his own deviancy, he has help in learning what it truly means to be alive.Markus has spent so long trying to be a strong leader, to make all of the right decisions. But when he feels like he can no longer deal with the pressure and the loss, he has help in coping and learning the true scope of his revolution.The two vulnerable androids find comfort in each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and chapter titles are all from the song “I Am Machine” by Three Days Grace.

“There’s beauty in the bleeding;  
At least you feel something.”

-

The air of despair in the church was practically suffocating.

They had lost so many. Markus had tried to do everything he could, but it still wasn’t enough.

So many were gone, yet he was still standing. How had he cheated Death so many times?

Markus looked to the right, where his answer was sitting against the wall, as far away from any other androids as he could be. His hand was covering his shoulder, and his eyes were closed somewhere between twisted shut in pain and gently resting in blissful peace.

Connor.

The deviant hunter. The android killer. The machine designed to accomplish a task, who never failed his mission.

Until now. 

When Connor entered that tower, Markus’s probability of survival was 0%. If Connor was truly just a machine, it would have been the end. Game over. Checkmate.

Luckily for Markus, he knew a deviant when he saw one.

Connor’s denial ran deeper than any other android he had ever met. Unlike others, who could simply be awakened with a mere connection, Markus knew that Connor would have to come to the realization of his deviancy by himself, with a little help from him prodding the detective’s doubts.

And come to that realization he did. Right on time, too.

But even that was still too late.

And after Markus had detonated the bomb in the hull, and Death had finally come to collect what it had been after, Connor was there, risking his life to save the android he had tried to kill just moments before. Like he was some sort of guardian angel.

Markus approached Connor carefully, as if trying not to startle a wild animal. Connor opened one eye slowly, and then the other, gripping his shoulder just a bit tighter. Markus pretended not to notice.

“It’s my fault the humans managed to locate Jericho. I was stupid...I should’ve guessed they were using me. I’m sorry, Markus. I can understand if you decide not to trust me,” Connor barely whispered the last sentence as he hung his head, resigning himself to his fate.

Markus didn’t even hesitate.

“You’re one of us, now. Your place is with your people.”

Connor looked up, LED blinking yellow as he tried to process Markus’s words. It was obviously not the answer he was expecting.

“But I tried to kill you,” Connor stated bluntly.

“Yes, I’m aware,” Markus responded, almost jokingly, a hint of a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

“So why...I-I don’t understand why you would trust me...” Connor stuttered out. Markus’s reasoning was illogical, irrational. He couldn’t comprehend it.

Markus shrugged. “Not everything can be explained rationally, Connor.”

Connor sat quietly, thinking that over. It went against everything he’d ever known, yet...

Connor noticed Markus’s eyes drifting towards his shoulder, so he changed the subject.

“There are thousands of androids at the CyberLife assembly plant. If we could wake them up, they might join us and shift the balance of power.”

Markus’s eyes snapped back towards Connor’s at hearing this. His mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to say something, but nothing came out.

“You wanna infiltrate the CyberLife Tower? Connor, that’s suicide...” Markus eventually croaked out. He felt a shiver run through his body at the thought of Connor taking on this mission.

“They trust me; they’ll let me in. If anyone has a chance of infiltrating CyberLife, it’s me.”

“If you go there they will kill you,” Markus warned, blatant desperation seeping into his voice. Connor couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes anymore.

“There’s a high probability. But, statistically speaking, there’s always a chance for unlikely events to take place.”

“Like you,” Markus whispered.

“What?” Connor looked back at Markus.

“When Connor the machine entered that tower, my chance of survival was statistically none. It’s only because you’re something so much more than a machine designed to accomplish a task that I’m alive today.”

They shared a solemn silence , weighing the reality of the situation. The value of their lives.

“...and the fact that you took that bullet to the shoulder back in the hallway is another major factor for my survival,” Markus stated, eyes once again drifting towards the offending wound. Connor gripped his shoulder even tighter.

“I’m fine. The bullet did not hit any major biocomponents, and I am in no danger of imminent shutdown.

“Just please let me take a look.” Markus began to move his hand towards Connor’s, but the latter jerked away, causing him to grimace.

“I said I’m fine, Markus. There are others who need medical attention more than I do.” Connor began to get up, but Markus gently pushed him back down.

“And are they about to go on a practical suicide mission to infiltrate CyberLife? No. So please, let me help you.”

Connor had nothing to say to that.

Markus placed his hand on top of Connor’s and gently pried away his grip. What he saw was a mess of thirium, ragged plastic and wiring, and a shiny silver bullet, glinting in whatever light it could catch in the dusty church.

“Shit, Connor,” Markus muttered.

Connor looked away from the injury, almost as if he was ashamed.

“I’ve been shot before. So many times. I’ve been beaten, battered, and bruised. I’ve even died, in as much of a sense as I could die. But now that I’m...deviant...I have to deal with the reality of pain. And it is an unpleasant reality indeed.”

“Stay right here. I’m going to go get some medical supplies.” Connor gave a short nod before shutting his eyes again.

Markus walked through the pews of bloodied androids towards where they were storing what medical supplies they were able to salvage from the ship. Androids raised their heads as he passed, looking to him for some sort of reassurance, some sort of comfort, some sort of confirmation that this was only a nightmare.

Markus couldn’t give them any of those.

He reached the stack of containers that held the supplies. While it wasn’t much, it was still far more than the original Jericho had before they had stolen the truck. Markus grabbed a bag of thirium and a piece of plastic before returning to where Connor sat. This time, the android didn’t make any acknowledgement of his approach. His eyes were still shut, and his hand had drifted back over towards his shoulder to cover the wound again.

Markus kneeled down in front of Connor and placed his hand on the detective’s shoulder, facing no resistance as he moved the hand away from the wound and placed it as his side. Connor gritted his teeth as Markus began to poke around the wound to assess the damage.

Markus took the pocket knife he always carries with him out from an inner pocket in his jacket.

“This won’t be pleasant, Connor,” Markus warned.

“Just do what you need to do,” Connor spoke through gritted teeth, eyes remaining shut.

Markus knew that any sugar-coating of the situation would not be appreciated, so he said nothing else as he carefully guided his knife into the wound, aiming for the edge of the bullet.

Connor’s initial cry of pain made Markus’s heart hurt, but he kept at it. Every second that he spent attempting to free the bullet, the more of those terrible sounds Connor made, and the more he started squirming and shaking as his LED flashed red.

It only took a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the bullet fell to the floor with an unceremonious clank. Connor and Markus both let out a shaky sigh of relief, though Connor’s was laced with a groan of pain. His LED had returned to yellow as he concentrated on keeping his reactions to a minimum to not startle Markus.

“The worst part is over, Connor,” Markus reassured the android. Connor gave the smallest nod in acknowledgement.

Markus picked up the bag of thirium and began to fill the wound through the small funnel-like tip at the end of the bag. Thirium was thicker and more gelatinous in consistency than regular blood, specially designed by CyberLife in order to streamline repairs. That development worked to the advantage of the pair in this moment, and Markus was easily able to fill the wound with thirium to make up for what had been lost.

Putting the bag down, Markus reached for the small piece of plastic he had taken. He fashioned the pliant piece into something resembling a shoulder, and held it to the wound. Almost instantly, the plastic began to harden as it made contact with the rest of Connor’s body, and it attached itself to the opening, blending seamlessly into what was already there. The illusion of skin covered the new addition, and soon it looked as though nothing had ever happened.

Markus moved to sit next to Connor against the wall so that their knees were touching. Connor’s LED had returned to its dormant blue, and he slowly opened his eyes again, staring down at his bloody hands.

Markus had picked up the bullet and was bouncing it across his knuckles, a gesture practically identical to Connor’s coin tricks. He supposed they both had the same nervous tic.

Markus took a deep breath, searching for the right words to say.

“It’s ok to worry about yourself, Connor. And to let others worry about you. You don’t have to put up this facade of invincibility anymore; it’s ok to be vulnerable.” Connor turned to look into Markus’s heterochromatic eyes, but the latter was focused on his hands and the silver bullet.

“And are you?” Connor asked.

“Am I what?”

“Worried? Worried...about me?” The sound of the bullet traveling across plastic knuckles ceased. Markus turned to meet Connor’s deep brown eyes.

“Of course I’m worried about you, Connor. You’re one of us now, and I can’t lose any more. Especially not you, after you saved my life. I’d be a pretty shitty leader if I wasn’t worried,” Markus confided.

Connor was taken aback by Markus’s words, his honesty. He struggled to find the right words to convey that, so he instead settled for a simple “Thank you.”

Markus stood and offered his hand to Connor, which he accepted. They remained like that, hand in hand, and the illusion of skin melted away as they made a connection. Everything that Markus was unable to put into words—his apprehension, his desperation, his raw emotion—Connor was able to feel. Markus swept his thumb over Connor’s fingers, and he shuddered.

“Be careful,” Markus stated, voice wavering despite his attempt to sound confident.

“I will,” Connor reassured him.

“Come back. Come back to Jericho. To...me,” Markus whispered.

“I will, Markus. I promise,” Connor stated, voice filled with determination.

And then he was gone.

-

Once Connor had left the walls of the church, he looked down at his hand to find a small, silver bullet resting in his palm. He closed his hand around the object and pocketed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. Tags and ratings will update with each new chapter, so be sure to read them before deciding to continue on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor struggles with some complex concepts, such as wanting and identity. Markus is there to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and chapter titles are all from the song “I Am Machine” by Three Days Grace.

“I wish I knew what it was like;  
To find a place where I belong.”

-

Connor was unsure of where to stay after the revolution.

Of course, Hank had immediately offered to take him in, but he declined. Hank was his partner, his father figure, even, but the feelings weren’t anything close to when Connor was with Markus. And besides, he had a promise to keep.

So that’s how he found himself as a permanent fixture of the new Jericho. The other main members were skeptical, of course—especially North, who knew exactly what went down between Connor and Markus in that tower.

But Markus was the leader after all, and anything he says goes. Besides, if it weren’t for Connor, they probably would not have had such a successful peaceful revolution.

“You’re one of us, now.” Markus’s words to Connor in the church were constantly resonating in his head.

They had found a large building, seemingly abandoned long before the revolution. It was dusty and musty and dark, but many of the androids found that comforting, as it paralleled the atmosphere of the original Jericho freighter. Of course, they had basically any building of their choosing, as so many humans abandoned Detroit in the midst of the revolution, but no one felt quite right taking what still belonged to someone else. Public opinion was in their favor; they couldn’t risk anything that might make that waver.

The leadership of Jericho found themselves living on the top floor, and Markus had insisted that Connor stay there as well. Just like in the church, though, Connor made an effort to stay far away from the others, to not get in their way or make anything more difficult for them. He quietly slipped in and out when he had cases with the DPD. The only android he made contact with semi-regularly was Markus, and even then they only exchanged a few curt words. It was as if the incident in the church had never happened.

So when Markus found Connor in one of the small bathrooms, staring at his reflected image in the mirror, a shaking hand holding a rusty knife to his head, he was obviously surprised.

“What are you doing?” Markus questioned, startling Connor. Markus may not be a detective, but he could tell something was up when Connor quickly hid his hand behind him and turned to face Markus.

“Nothing?” Connor answered, voice raising in pitch towards the end as if asking his own question. Markus held his hand out, wordlessly issuing a command, and Connor sighed as he dropped the knife into Markus’s hand.

“Where did you even get this thing?” Markus asked as he examined the blade. It was difficult to tell in the dim light, but he could’ve sworn there was dried blood amidst the tarnishing.

“Er, from the floor?” Connor answered sheepishly.

Markus sighed. For an android that usually seemed so put-together, Connor could be a bit clueless when it came to common sense. As the humans might say, he was book smart, not street smart.

“That’s not safe, Connor,” Markus chided him as he placed the knife into an inner pocket in his jacket. Connor cursed himself internally for getting caught.

“What were you planning on doing with that, anyways?” Markus asked casually.

Based on Connor’s reaction, Markus quickly realized that this was no casual matter.

Connor’s stress level immediately increased exponentially, and his heart rate spiked as he tried to stutter out an explanation.

“I just...I just thought that-that I could do it, like the rest of you...”

“Do what, Connor?” Markus moved closer towards the trembling android, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“My LED,” Connor managed to get out, and suddenly Markus understood.

Almost every android in the city had removed their LED by now. For many, it was a liberating experience, an opportunity to rid themselves of one of the only things that separated them from humanity. For others, it was simply a chance to become more private, to not have to wear their heart on their sleeve anymore.

Markus hadn’t thought much about it when he removed his own. He had just come back from the brink of death, dragged his way out of that junkyard with every ounce of energy he had left. The LED was seemingly inconsequential when compared to the gravity of his whole situation.

For Connor, it was something he agonized over, though he would never admit it to anyone else. He was usually wearing his beanie now, anyways, so the LED wasn’t really noticeable. But actually removing it...it would be like losing a part of his identity.

But what was he holding onto that identity for?

Connor made up some excuses to himself, like the idea that the LED helps Hank out during their investigations, or that it will aid in his learning and understanding of human emotions. But that’s all they were. Excuses. Yet he still couldn’t do it.

“I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to remove it,” Connor confessed. “It’s a part of me. A part of me that represents everything that I’m not anymore, but a part of me nonetheless. As much as we try to forget our pasts, they shaped who we are today. So why don’t we embrace them instead of trying to rid ourselves of them?”

Markus reached up with the hand he wasn’t using to soothe Connor to where his own LED once was, finding nothing but smooth artificial skin.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Connor. You’re your own person now. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you have to,” Markus reassured him.

Connor screwed up his face as his LED blinked yellow.

“This concept of...wanting...has been difficult for me to grasp,” Connor admitted. “I’ve never known a life that didn’t consist of taking orders from a higher authority, never been granted even the slightest bit of autonomy. Amanda was nothing like you how you describe Carl to be. She was cold, and cruel, and threatening, and-“

Connor’s LED started flashing red, and his already high stress level increased even more. Markus put pressure on the shoulder he was holding and pulled Connor into a hug.

“The life you had before this was important—I’m not going to try to invalidate those feelings—but this is a new life. Your past with Amanda doesn’t matter now.” Markus spoke calmly and with confidence, but the other android’s stress level didn’t decrease as expected.

“I almost killed you again,” Connor croaked.

Markus pulled out of the hug so he could look at Connor’s face.

“What?” He asked, incredulous. “When?”

“When you were on stage. Giving your speech to the thousands of androids I had just brought. Amanda managed to take control of my program, and forced me to draw my weapon. I couldn’t do anything about it. It was like some out of body experience.”

Connor was visibly trembling now.

“I was so scared, Markus. If I hadn’t found the emergency exit in the program, I would have-I would have shot you!”

Connor’s stress reaches a dangerously high level, but that takes a backseat to the other thing Markus notices:

He was crying.

It was difficult to see in the dim light, but actual, liquid tears were leaving Connor’s eyes and rolling down his cheeks, pooling at his chin before falling to the floor.

Markus swiped away the tears with his thumb. “Once again Connor, that thing who tried to kill me wasn’t you. It was a machine. And you’re so much more than that.”

“But who’s to say Amanda won’t take control of my programming again?” Connor despaired.

“If you did use this “Emergency Exit,” I would think that the Amanda program would be permanently disabled. But if she does do it again, you know you’re strong enough to fight it. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you,” Markus declared with a voice of finality. Markus pulled him into another, tighter hug, and Connor’s stress levels finally began to decrease. He stopped crying after they stayed like that for a few minutes, and Markus obliged when Connor moved to get out of his grasp.

“Come on, let’s get out of this cramped bathroom.” Markus turned and started through the door, expecting Connor to follow, but he stayed right where he was.

“Actually, Markus, there’s something else. Something that, unlike the LED, I actually want to do,” Connor admitted.

“And what’s that, Connor?”

“I want to cut my hair,” Connor stated with the first bit of confidence Markus had heard out of him all day. He turned to face the mirror and began messing with his hair.

“I briefly spoke to the AX400–I mean, Kara—as I was leaving the church. I, uh, almost killed her once before as well. Unintentionally! I was just trying to capture her is all, because she was wanted in connection to a crime,” Connor awkwardly explained.

“Anyways, I asked her about her hair. Unlike the standard model, it was short, choppy, and white. She said she partially did it to disguise herself, but mostly because her old hair never really felt like her.”

Connor tugged on the one little strand in the front that always, always got in the way. “This has never felt like...me. I don’t like it, Markus.”

No wonder he was wearing that hat all of the time now, Markus realized.

“Don’t tell me you were thinking of cutting your hair with that nasty blade as well when I found you,” Markus admonished.

Connor looked at the floor, embarrassed, answering his question.

Markus shook his head. He would really have to sit Connor down one day and explain to him that no, licking everything you see in a crime scene is probably not very safe, and neither is using strange sharp objects you find on the floor. That lecture would have to wait, though.

“I could do it.”

Markus’s offer hung heavy in the air between the two.

“You know how to cut hair?” Connor asked, without really asking. Of course Markus knew how to cut hair. They both did. Just like they could both play the piano, or jump their way to Jericho without injury.

“You already know the answer to that one.” Markus stepped closer to Connor, now seeing himself reflected in the mirror as well. 

“But, if you truly wanted to know my credentials, I can assure you that I’m more than competent in the task. I did have to care for Carl in any way necessary, after all, and he always found traditional barbers too... “Sweeney-esque,” to use his words.” Markus moved his hand into Connor’s hair, carding his fingers through the length.

Connor closed his eyes and leaned into the touch of Markus’s hand. It felt...nice. Better than nice, actually. It was nearly electric.

“Well, what do you think?”

Connor opened his eyes and met Markus’s piercing ones in the mirror. He gave a small nod and an almost imperceptible smile.

“I think I’d like that, Markus.”

Markus led Connor to his room. The rest of the leadership had voted unanimously to give Markus what must have been the master suite on the floor, even though he insisted he didn’t need it. Josh and Simon shared a smaller room, and North claimed another one as her own. Connor had been unwilling to choose for himself, so Markus assigned him the smallest one next to his, even though he rarely ever saw the android entering and exiting it. He wasn’t usually there anyways though, since he spent so much time at the DPD.

Markus gestured for Connor to enter, and once he crossed the threshold, Markus closed the door behind them. The first thing he did was chuck the rusty blade in the trash can, a loss that Connor briefly lamented. Markus took a chair from his small seating area and brought it to the en-suite before signaling for Connor to sit down in it.

Markus was all sharp lines, with features like his cutting jaw, penetrating eyes, and close-cropped hair, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be soft. Connor had experienced that side of Markus once before, in the church, and he was seeing it again today. Markus worked through untangling Connor’s hair methodically, running a comb through any snarls with the lightest pressure possible.

“For hair that always looked so stiff, it’s surprisingly soft,” Markus remarked as he finished combing out the few knots. Without his his structured quiff, Connor’s hair was free to fall in its natural, messy way, giving the usually put-together detective a disheveled look. It was endearing, Markus decided.

Markus picked up a real pair of scissors, a far cry from the rusty blade he dumped. They weren’t meant for hair, but were sharp nonetheless.

“So, what do you want?” Markus asked, twirling the scissors in a loop around his finger and catching them on the way back around with what looked like practiced ease. Connor got caught up in watching the movement in the mirror before he processed the question. 

“What do I want?” Connor echoed the question, and Markus realized the other android hadn’t thought this through that far.

Connor sat in thought for a few moments before he suddenly went to grab at Markus’s hand that had returned to absentmindedly twirling the scissors, causing them to clatter to the floor. Their ivory shells were revealed as they made a connection. Connor was sending a single, intense feeling: trust. He let go of Markus’s hand and moved his own to his lap, clasping his other hand with it. He met Markus’s eyes in the mirror, and the man gave him a meaningful nod before picking the scissors up off the floor.

Markus took a deep breath. Deciding to trust Connor back in the church was internally a difficult decision, but it had set a solid foundation for this strong connection they now shared. A common human phrase came to mind: “Relationships are built upon trust.” Even entrusting Markus with something as simple as his hair was a big step for Connor in accepting that it’s ok to allow others to do nice things for him, and Markus was not about to lose that trust by doing something wrong.

Markus took another steadying breath and, combing out the hair on the back of Connor’s head, prepared to make the first cut. Their eyes met in the mirror once again, and Connor gave him a strong, sure nod. Markus pressed the blades together.

Cutting Connor’s hair was like painting. Whereas with Carl, where it was mechanical and procedural, movements coming from coding and artificial muscle memory, Connor was like a canvas, a beautiful blank slate that could be brought to life with the magic of Markus’s hands. Markus was overwhelmed with the feelings he had experienced when Carl had encouraged him to think for himself and create his first painting, and Connor was overwhelmed with relief as he felt the ugly parts of his past fall to the floor, the transformation from who he was forced to be into the person he wanted to become.

The air between the two was noticeably charged, and every cut was accompanied by a hitch of breath, a slight shiver, a small noise neither meant to make. As Markus placed the finishing touches on his creation, Connor began to writhe slightly in the chair below him, the smell of sweet synthetic sweat emanating from his form.

And then it was over. The final snip of the scissors cut through the tension in the air, and doubt allowed itself to crawl though the new opening. What if he didn’t like it? What if Markus had just made his identity issues even worse?

Connor opened his eyes, not realizing they had closed at some point, and studied himself in the mirror. He stayed quiet as he slowly brought his hands up to his head, feeling what was now his.

The sides were short; very short, though not nearly as short as Markus’s. Connor decided he liked the rougher texture as he moved his fingers up higher, where the hair gradually became longer and longer until he was met a relatively voluminous quiff on the top of his head. Unlike the stiff, gelled mass from before, though, this shorter quiff was made to work with the natural fall of his hair, with precise yet slightly choppy layers causing the hair to look alive. It was alive. He was alive.

Markus cleared his throat, and Connor realized he hadn’t given him any clear feedback yet. Markus’s hands hovered over his head, and Connor withdrew his own hands in a sign of permission. Blunt nails scratched their way over his scalp, causing all of Connor’s nerves to catch on fire as he let his eyes slip shut once again to embrace the feeling. Though they hadn’t made a formal direct connection, Markus could feel the positive energy buzzing into his fingertips as he caressed his creation. He leaned closer to Connor’s ear and spoke softly.

“It’s ok to want things. To like and dislike things. To be your own person. All these strange human emotions, we will take time to learn them, to understand them, to feel them for ourselves. Together.”

Connor leaned his head back all the way in the chair and opened his eyes, leaving Markus to stare down into those infinite brown pools.

“Markus, there’s one more thing that I want,” Connor spoke through barely parted lips.

“And what would that be?” Markus whispered as he leaned closer, exhale ghosting over Connor’s lips.

“I want you to kiss me,” Connor whispered back. He lifted his head just slightly to close the distance between them, and their lips—synthetic, yet soft—met in the middle.

-

As they lay together in bed that night, Markus playing with Connor’s shortened hair, fingers brushing over his exposed LED, the detective reached a conclusion on his most recent theory. That this is what love feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. Tags and ratings will update with each new chapter, so be sure to read them before deciding to continue on.
> 
> In the first chapter, I wanted to showcase how both androids were vulnerable in a time of need. This chapter focused a bit more on the Connor side of that, and the next chapter will focus on the Markus side of that.
> 
> And it wouldn’t be a fic of mine without a haircut scene, of course, so I hope it was enjoyable.
> 
> Also, I think I’m going to start calling this ship RK1K. Since they’re both RK models, and RK200 + RK800 = RK1000 = RK1K. Just a thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus struggles with the pressures of being the face of a revolution. Connor is there to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and chapter titles are all from the song “I Am Machine” by Three Days Grace.
> 
> *TW: Implied Suicidal Thoughts*

“Here’s to being human;  
Taking it for granted.  
The highs and lows of living;  
To getting second chances. “

-

Markus had just wanted to be alone.

The rooftop that housed the piano overlooked what remained of the Jericho freighter, of that terrible night. The night they lost so many. The night he met Connor.

His chest constricted slightly, both out of pain for the loss and out of pride for the love.

This had been where Markus came to think, to feel the sun on his skin, to breathe in some fresh air when the dark ship became just a little too much. It was where he came to play the piano, to tap into his creative side that Carl had so carefully cultivated. It was where he had to reject North, to see the hurt in her face when she realized he didn’t reciprocate her feelings.

But now he was a revolutionary. The face of a people, a people whose numbers passed anything the basic human mind could fathom. When Markus saw the rows of liberated androids marching down the streets, Connor leading them with an air of confidence, he could hardly fathom it either.

It was a lot for one person to handle.

Markus was never one to turn down an android in need, and spent a lot of time amongst the injured in their building. He helped run reconnaissance missions to find and recruit androids who were too scared to leave their oppressors, too scared to join their cause. He reviewed case files with Connor of androids who were attacked in the streets, of owners who used and abused what they still considered to be their property, of threats from self-proclaimed terrorist groups. He met with the president, Congress, and even CyberLife itself to put forth new proposals, to help draft legislation, to ensure the continuous production of vital biocomponents.

But right now, he just wanted to be alone.

He had slipped out of the bed he shared with Connor in the early hours, taking a few moments to watch the first rays of light tickle his soft features as he emulated sleep before leaving. It felt good to jump and climb, to feel the cold wind on his skin and the rush of energy after completing a daring move. And once he had reached the top, he spent some time just taking it all in, watching the sun rise on the city where it all started.

He sat down at the piano bench and began to play.

It was as if time slowed down as he lost himself in the melancholic melodies, as he felt every worry of his surface and subsequently slip away with every press of a key, every note that lent its way towards a masterpiece. It felt as if days had passed when he was finally discovered, but in reality it had only been a few hours.

He heard the approaching footsteps over the music and stopped playing, the illusion of tranquility shattered. The crunching of feet on gravel ceased, and he didn’t have to turn around to know who had approached. 

“How did you find me here?”

“Let’s just say I have a knack for finding people who don’t want to be found. Just ask Hank.”

Connor approached the piano bench and sat down beside Markus, who had moved over a little bit to give him some room. Connor took Markus’s rough, calloused hand in his own soft one and swept his thumb over Markus’s fingers, just as he had once done to him in the church.

“You’ve been distant lately,” Connor observed. There was no malice or accusation laced into his tone, for which Markus was grateful.

“It’s just...a lot,” Markus hesitantly started. He looked to Connor, who gave him an encouraging nod and smile as he squeezed his hand.

“There’s so many of our people, and they all look to me. As if I’m some sort of god. As if I’m rA9. They think I know all the answers, have all the solutions to society’s problems, when in reality I’m just as lost as everyone else.”

Markus paused, collecting his thoughts. Connor waited patiently for him to continue.

“Talks with the government have been going well, but tangible progress has been slow. Who’s to say that anything will even change in the end anyways? What if this was all for nothing?”

Markus was speaking more frantically now.

“And those cases, Connor. Those terrible, vile threats. What if I can’t protect our people from them? What if I let down those who have entrusted me with their lives?”

The hand Connor was holding began to tremble, and Connor pressed their bodies together side by side on the piano bench, placing his free hand on Markus’s thigh.

“Anyone can see the burden that has been placed upon your shoulders, Markus, but you don’t need to bear it alone. North. Simon. Josh. Every single member of Jericho. Every single android across the nation. And me. We are all here to bear that weight with you.”

Markus stayed quiet as Connor rubbed soothing circles into his thigh.

“I don’t deserve you,” Markus finally stated, placing his hand on top of Connor’s and removing it from his thigh. He scooted to the very edge of the piano bench so their bodies were no longer in contact.

“What?” Connor questioned, confused. He tried to catch Markus’s glance, but he was looking at his shaking hands with a stoic expression.

“I said I don’t deserve you, Connor.” Markus repeated, a resigned sadness seeping into his voice.

“Markus, what are you talking about?” Connor reached his hand out again, but froze when Markus recoiled from the touch.

“I bring death and destruction to everyone around me, Connor. I mean, just look.” Markus gestured with a sweeping hand to the destroyed Jericho freighter below them. 

“It’s because of me that all those people died. It’s because of me that more and more are dying every day. It’s because of me that radical groups are forming at an alarming rate. If I had just kept my mouth shut, none of this would have happened. Who did I think I was, trying to lead a revolution? I’m just a prototype that was made to care for an old man. Nothing more.”

“You know that’s not true, Markus,” Connor spoke calmly, hostage negotiation tactics coming to his mind with ease. Markus’s stress level was steadily rising, and Connor knew he had to do something to diffuse the situation.

Connor tried inching towards Markus on the bench, but he caught the movement and stood up.

“You need to go, Connor. For your own sake.” Markus’s piercing eyes met his, but instead of finding the hidden warmth behind them, all Connor found was coldness. His LED flashed yellow as he felt a pang of hurt, but he shook it off. He knew Markus wasn’t thinking rationally.

“I won’t leave you,” Connor reassured him from the bench, deciding against trying to move closer again.

“Yes you will!” Markus exploded. “You’ll leave me just like everyone else did when they realized I was a monster. And if you don’t realize that now, it’s just a matter of time before you do, so you might as well just get it over with now,” he cried out. Markus began walking backwards towards the edge of the building. With each step, his stress level rose and his chance of survival decreased.

Connor began to panic. A million and one different negotiation tactics began to flood his processor, different outcomes for this situation, different statistics and pieces of analysis and he couldn’t think, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t-

He stopped thinking. 

And started playing.

Connor’s hands were practically unusable when they first met the keys of the piano due to how intensely they were trembling, but he was able to get them under control enough to move in a somewhat regular fashion. His entire library of song choices surfaced in his mind, but he pushed them all away. He didn’t need sheet music, or preprogrammed instructions. He played with passion. He played with every emotion he had ever felt. He played as though Markus’s life depended on it.

He felt something wet begin to drop onto the piano keys as he played, and assumed it had began to rain before he realized he was crying. He was outwardly sobbing now, wailing and groaning and screaming as the music reached an intense crescendo, as Connor put every ounce of his being into this one task.

And then, abruptly, it was over. Connor was panting, breaths coming short and quick as all of the energy he had drained from his body, and he was lightheaded, and he was falling, and-

Something solid was there to catch him as he slid off the piano bench, something solid and warm and alive.

“Oh, Connor,” Markus cried out with a hoarse whisper, fingers brushing over Connor’s LED. The smaller boy in his arms looked so much younger than usual, so much paler and frailer.

Connor’s eyes barely slid open, but it was enough to see Markus’s face staring back down on him, emotion scratched deep into every sharp line. Somewhere in the back of his mind he noted that though Markus’s stress level had not decreased much, his chance of survival had reached 100%. But that was a victory to be celebrated at a later time.

“I’ll never leave you, Markus,” Connor whispered before shutting his eyes again, LED dimming to a muted blue as he went into his sleep mode, all of his energy completely spent.

When Connor woke up (a few hours later, he could immediately discern), he found himself laying in the large bed he shared with Markus, sheets and blankets tucked tight around his body in what he assumed to be a gesture of comfort and warmth. He quickly focused his eyes to see Markus’s figure on the edge of the bed facing away from Connor, hands occupied with Connor’s signature coin.

Markus didn’t need to turn around to know that the android had awakened. Instead, he kept his eyes trained on the quarter as it travelled between his hands.

“Markus,” Connor croaked from the bed. The coin clattered across the room as Markus missed the next catch.

“I’m so sorry, Connor. I don’t know what got into me back there. I didn’t mean anything I said about you.” Markus ran his shaky hands through his short hair nervously.

“Hey, look at me,” Connor asked softly, and Markus complied, turning his body on the bed to face him. His eyes were soft, and it was obvious that he had been crying before Connor woke up. “It’s ok, Markus. There’s been a lot of pent up stress in you recently, and it was bound to come out one way or another.”

“By trying to break up with you and kill myself? Definitely doesn’t seem like the best way for that stress to come out.” Markus chuckled as he spoke sarcastically, but Connor didn’t miss the way his breath hitched as he grazed over the topic of suicide.

“You bottle everything up trying to look strong for your people. You sometimes allow me to see a more vulnerable side of you, but I’m realizing now that that’s not enough. If you ever need to talk to me about anything, Markus, I’m here for you.”

Connor gestured for Markus to join him under the covers and Markus complied, positioning his body next to Connor’s so the two were facing each other. Connor raised his hand between them, and Markus placed his own on top, fingers folding together as their skin melted away to form a connection. Both androids were filled with a sense of undying affection from the other, the type of feeling that couldn’t be shared though simple words. 

Connor pressed their foreheads together as they came out of the connection.

“The important thing is that you’re safe. And here. With me,” Connor spoke softly, breath ghosting over Markus’s lips.

“I don’t deserve you,” Markus stated quietly back, but this time his voice was dripping with sweet syrup instead of the cutting cold from the rooftop. “How did such a kind, loving, understanding, forgiving, and insanely attractive man like you walk into my life?”

In the very back of his mind, a part of Connor knew that Markus was trying to change the subject, but Connor was overwhelmed with a feeling of warmth at the high praise, and the criticism was tossed aside, forgotten.

“Ditto,” Connor whispered, and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss.

It quickly escalated, as all of the emotions from the day came crashing down in this one moment. Markus felt warmth pool deep down as the kiss became hungrier, Connor’s invasive tongue analyzing every part of Markus’s mouth as if it were a crime scene.

“Connor,” he breathed as he pulled away from the kiss, a thin line of saliva bridging between their lips.

Though they had slept in the same bed since the night of Connor’s LED incident and subsequent haircut, their intimacy had never extended beyond passionate kissing sessions. But now, Markus opened his eyes and saw his own hunger reflected back in those of Connor.

“I want you to make love to me,” Connor requested with a breathy moan.

Connor had been making great improvements in his ability to ask for the things he wants. He’d become more confident, more independent, more sure of who he was as a person. Markus, of course, was not about to slow that progress.

“Anything you want,” Markus answered with a smirk.

He easily pulled the smaller, lighter android on top of him, and Connor gasped as he felt Markus’s hardness press against him. Markus rolled his hips and ground into him, and Connor had to grab on to Markus’s strong shoulders for leverage.

Connor let Markus take control of the situation. Something they both had in common was wanting to make sure that everything was going exactly as planned, but Markus needed the confidence boost after today’s incident, and Connor found that he quite enjoyed letting his worries slip away every once in a while and allowing Markus to take care of him.

Markus pulled at the hem of Connor’s shirt, and Connor lifted his arms to help him remove it before Markus removed his own.

“You’re so good, Connor. You’re so good to me.” Markus smiled as his hands ran across Connor’s bare chest, fingers tracing the few moles that dotted the otherwise unmarred landscape. Connor moaned, both at the compliment and the contact. Markus went back and traced the same path, this time with his tongue, and Connor started panting as the cool saliva touched his overheated body.

From his chest, Markus continued downwards, hands reaching Connor’s pants. He hooked his fingers around the belt loops and pulled Connor closer, looking at him for some sort of signal to continue. Connor nodded, and Markus moved his hands to the button, undoing it with ease before pulling the pants down. Connor lifted his legs one at a time to assist in removing them.

Once his pants were off, Markus ran his thumb around the elastic waistband of Connor’s boxers, pulling it outwards and letting it snap back against Connor’s skin, causing him to groan out of pain and pleasure. Markus locked their lips together again, and Connor moved his hands towards the button of Markus’s pants, blindly attempting to undo it.

Markus flinched at the feeling of Connor’s hands down there and pulled away from the kiss. His breathing started to become heavier, though it wasn’t clear whether it was from exertion, arousal, or fear. Connor realized that Markus’s stress level had begun to climb again, and decided it was the third option.

Connor lowered his body so he was laying on top of Markus, chest to chest, but making sure that the hardness in his boxers wasn’t brushing against any part of him. He felt an overwhelming amount of different emotions surge through him from Markus’s body, and Connor wrapped his arms around the android’s shoulders in comfort.

“Connor, I’m-“ Markus stuttered, shuddered. Connor placed his head on Markus’s collarbone area and guided one of Markus’s hands towards his head. Almost reflexively, Markus began petting through Connor’s hair, something that had become a nightly ritual for the two of them. They both found comfort in the simple repetitive motions, and were happy in knowing they were bringing the other person pleasure.

“Connor, I don’t think I can do this right now,” Markus whispered, pulling away from Connor’s head momentarily to gesture at their pants, or lack thereof.

“That’s completely okay, Markus. You’ve had a very long and overwhelming day already, without the stress of intimacy added on top,” Connor reassured him, rubbing his head further into the crook of Markus’s neck in a gesture of comfort.

“But it’s something you want. I want to give you what you want.” Markus sounded nervous, unsure of himself. Connor placed his hands on Markus’s chest and pushed up so the two were looking into each other’s eyes.

“I want you, Markus. I want you to be happy, healthy, and here with me. That’s all I ask for. If you’re not comfortable with something, we won’t do it, simple as that.”

The skin melted away where Connor’s hands were touching Markus’s chest, and the pale blue beating of his thirium pump regulator could just barely be seen beneath the surface of the porcelain shell. Connor spoke so earnestly, and directed emotions to match his sentiment straight towards Markus’s metaphorical heart. Markus shuddered as he was filled with overwhelmingly positive emotions.

“I love you,” Markus whispered. Connor removed his hands and broke the connection, hovering above Markus with the biggest smile he could possibly give.

“I love you too.”

-

When Markus delivered his daily address to the members of Jericho that evening, he did so hand in hand with Connor. And when he sealed the speech with a kiss, no one was able to deny the fact that androids were indeed capable of feeling love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for joining me on this journey of my first multi-chapter work. As always, all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I struggled a lot with this chapter. It seemed as though everything I wrote didn’t fit with the rest of the story and the characterization I had established. I’m pretty happy with this result, though, and I hope you are too.
> 
> On a final note, I just wanted to send some praise to Detroit: Become Human. I have always been a huge David Cage fan, an unpopular opinion in the larger world of gaming. Despite their at-times terrible writing, infamous shower scenes, and gaping plot holes, I genuinely enjoyed experiencing Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy, Heavy Rain, and Beyond Two Souls. To see Detroit become such a smash hit with a great fandom brings joy to my heart.
> 
> Thank you again for reading my work.


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